Pebbles at the Bottom of the Aquarium
By Marvin I. Sinacay
© May 2011
Paolo led him to the main door. It is through wide glass doors that open in a terrace. Mark remained standing for a moment as he stepped inside the house. He noticed deafening silence but it did not concern him. He looked around as if trying to memorize every detail his eyes can see. They sat on the brown sofa. In front them is a small table covered with glass, its legs were carved carefully. On top of it is a dish garden where an artistically trimmed bonsai tree caught Mark’s eyes. The tree seemed older than the two of them.
“Aah!” Mark exclaimed as he looked around the house. Mark stood up to touch one of the vases of different shapes and sizes. Porcelain glasses of different designs were carefully arranged on the divider between the room and another room full of books. He can see through the glass door that there were some flat screened desktop computers below the pile of books.
Paolo stood up and motioned him to follow. He didn’t. He just stared at the tree in front of him. Beside the miniature tree is a glossy magazine, “Family Health and Home”. Paolo looked back and saw him standing. “Sir, let’s go upstairs”.
As they reached the second floor, five doors were in view. “Here,” Paolo lead him to the biggest one in the corner. “This is my room.”
He followed him slowly. Paolo threw himself on the family size bed covered with blue sheets that matched the color of the entire room, his face facing down.
Mark stared at the bed for a while. The silence invites him to lay his body in deep solitude as it relaxes and rejuvenates the energy he lost early this morning but his mind wouldn’t allow him. His eyes were occupied with the things alien to his eyes.
“Wow!” he complimented as he walked near the television set. He touched the flat screened television framed high on the wall at the left side of the elegant black dresser. On its right is a small rectangular narra table covered with glass; on top of it is a shiny black computer. It seemed an ordinary computer except for its apple like design that appears someone tasted it first before it was conceptualized as a design.
“Daddy and I bought that when I was in grade three,” he heard Paolo’s voice. He seemed excited. “I saw my classmate had one so I told my Dad that we’ll buy one too…”
“…And so he did,” Mark continued on his mind. “You must be very proud of your father,” he thought.
He walked to the windows and saw the garden at the back of the house. In the middle of the garden were two blue elongated swimming pools. Flowers and bushes surrounded the pool. Palm trees were lined on the narrow trail that connects the two pools. Bermuda grasses covered almost the entire area that gives life to the garden.
Paolo remained on his bed, motionless. He seemed fast asleep. Mark walked back near him and was about to wake him up but he noticed an aquarium at the back of the door. Sunlight that comes from the small French window on the right makes the tank looks clear. Inside is an orange goldfish with long dorsal fins. White spots were evident surrounding its two big round eyes.
“I hate to see fishes being isolated,” he whispered to himself as he touched the rectangular glass tank. “They should not be kept away from their family. They are like humans that need freedom to live…to enjoy life”. He stared at the goldfish. It seemed it has eye bags. It swam away and hid among the corals and woods in one corner of the tank.
“I bought him with Yaya Meling four years ago…” he didn’t notice Paolo was standing behind him. “Two weeks after my parents left me.” He tapped the cylindrical plastic container on top of the aquarium. Pellets dropped on the water. The goldfish came and catches some of it.
“He’s Mark,” Paolo said in a low voice. Mark was about to open his mouth but Paolo seemed serious about the name he mentioned. He tapped the plastic container again.
“I named him after my brother…I never had the chance to see him but he must be a very cute guy,” he paused for a while. “He died in Mommy’s womb when my father dragged her out of the house, screaming…” his face went dark. He touched the glass tank. “After that, they separated and left me here…” the goldfish came near his hands. “Dad went back to his family in Canada…Mommy went back to her job in Taiwan.”
Thoughts keep coming on Mark’s mind but he can not connect things for the moment. He remained silent, watching the fish swimming back and forth. Paolo went back to his bed and reached something at the top of the table beside his bed. “The only communication we have were this checks and cards.” He showed him the envelopes marked LBC, Western Union and Metrobank.
“After two weeks, Yaya Meling and I went shopping. I this tank outside the mall where Yaya Meling bought dog food,” Paolo’s face regained its color. “He was thin and small when I first have him but---“
“---you seemed sure he is a male huh?” Mark interrupted.
“It doesn’t matter,” Paolo laughed. “As long as he never leaves me, he’ll be my brother…or sister if he’s not male.” He grinned again. “My formal themes are full with stories about him when I was in grade three and four.”
Paolo tapped the plastic container again. “Ah wait, I won in essay writing when I was in grade five!” he rushed to open a drawer on the left side of his bed where a white telephone sits.
“Here,” Paolo showed a bond paper to him. He seemed very proud of himself. Mark read, “My Pet, My Brother, and My Best Friend”. He opened his mouth but it remained hanging. He decided to just stare at his student.
“Although he never called me Kuya, I know he must be very proud of me,” his face displayed two small dimples. He stared at him. Still, he remained silent.
“How about you Sir?” he looks at him and asked. “Do you have any pet…ah no,” he changed his mind. “Any brother or sister?”
He was stunned. He always knows the answer for every question he asks him in their classes except for this. He decided to teach as part-time teacher in chemistry while waiting for his license as a chemist. Prior to that, he is planning to work abroad and never come back when his license will come into reality.
Paolo was his student at Saint Teresita’s Academy. He is among his twenty grade six pupils. He has long been inviting him to have a lunch at their house but he always rejects his invitation. It was only now that the classes was about to end that he insisted well to have lunch with him. He was about to resist again but Paolo waited him until he finish checking the test papers. He swears he’ll wait him, so he did. Since they no longer have classes, he went with him. Their house is three kilometers away from the school.
“That’s his home,” Paolo seemed to be an Ichthyologist. It looks like he knows everything about his pet. Mark looks at the goldfish; he was touching the pebbles at the bottom of the tank. He uses his lips in touching the pebbles, one by one.
“Do I have a home to call?” Mark asked himself. He swallowed.
“Damn crazy bitch!” Mark pounded his fists on the table. “The hell we care!” he stood up. They were about to have their dinner when Joan, his younger sister announced she is three months pregnant. He looked at his brothers and sisters one by one. They were shocked. “You all fool! Go! Have a wife! Look for a husband! Soon you’ll all die! Eyes opened wide!” he shouted before he left the table and rushed out of the house. It was the third time that one of her sisters would announce her pregnancy. The first one was their eldest whom he admired much for her excellent academic achievements but ended up marrying a tricycle driver two months after she graduated high school. The next was the one next to him who married to a drunkard. Soon, her seventeen year old sister would also be married.
“Mark!” his mother shouted and tried to follow him but he disappeared in the dark.
The next day, he was packing his clothes when his mother saw him. “What are you doing?”
“Damn! Can’t you see? I’m packing my clothes,” he continued packing his shirts and pants. His mother was silent for a while. “I’m---“
“---but Mark?” his mother came near him and put her arms on his shoulder. She looks at his face. She acts as her mother and father since his father died of stroke after his employer fired him for joining the Labor Union. He works as a janitor in a canning factory almost his entire life. Since his salary is not enough for the family, his mother sells vegetables in the market during weekdays. During weekends, she collects and washes clothes in the dormitory near their house.
“I’m tired of this life! I can no longer bear this kind of life!” he shouted. “This is not living. It’s…this is dying!” he stood up. His mother embraces one of his legs. “Let me go! I want to live a life different from this!” he removed his mother’s hand, carried his bag, kicked his bed made out of bamboo and stepped out of their house.
“I will pursue my dream to be a famous chemist!” he told himself.
He looked back and saw her mother almost lying on the ground. There were silver drops sparkling and slowly forming in the corner of her eyes. He stopped walking. “Tell them they no longer have a brother. He rode on the tricycle that passed by but before he finally left, he shouted, “It’s better for them to forget me, a faggot and queer brother.”
He glimpsed at Paolo. “Yes, I have brothers and sisters but,” Mark’s voice trembled. He swallowed again. He felt there was a big lump on his throat. He tried to swallow once more; he felt his throat was dried, it was so painful. He peeped at Paolo through the corner of his eyes. He was still staring at him. He walked towards the window. He looked outside. He felt he can not look straight at his pupil’s two innocent eyes.
“Sir?” Paolo followed him.
Mark saw black and white pigeons flying high above the garden. “Emotions should not be caged like birds and fish,” he wasn’t sure if he heard it from Paolo or from elsewhere.
He turned around to see his eleven year old pupil. He has the very the same eyes almost ten months ago…
“Kuya, how young are you?” one of his pupils asked him after he introduce himself on the class. He was the tallest among the class. His skin looks fair, he has two dimples. His hair looks like the color of the corn’s hair.
“I am your teacher!”Mark shouted at him. “Never ever call me Kuya!” He glared at him. The pupils were shocked. The child looks startled, his eyes turned big and round. The following days, he never saw his dimples again. He was always silent, sitting on the corner near the door, alone.
After one week, the child approached him. “Sir, sorry for my rude attitude last week,” his voice was shaky. Mark glance at him for a moment. He put his pen down and gazed at him.
“Forget about it. Just never call me that way again,” Mark smiled and rose up. He tapped his pupils back. They both smiled.
The following days, Mark saw him playing basketball with his classmates. He learned his name is Paolo. He seemed too tall for his age. He is in section two, an average student. Some times, the child would accidentally call him “Ku—“ then he would cover his mouth and would instead say “Sir”. It happened many times until he finally learned to call him sir.
“Sir?” Paolo interrupted his thoughts; he went back on his bed.
“No,” Mark’s voice didn’t come out of his lips. He gulped down. He felt thirsty. He wanted to ask him if he still remembers their first meeting but he didn’t. “No…you can call me Kuya…from now on, as long as you wanted…” soft fragments successfully came out.
He glimpsed at him. He looked down and saw his identification card, “I can even be your parent.” It was a soft whisper. “If only you want.”
“Are you sure?” the child verifies. Mark nodded in agreement.
Yehey! Kuya! Kuya!” Paolo shouted and jumped out from his bed, laughing. He smiled at him.
Mark felt that he was even thirstier. He gulped again as if to quench his thirst, at least temporarily. Paolo went backed on his bed. Mark watched out of the window again. Then he glanced at Paolo. His face went dark as he looked at the goldfish on the aquarium.
“Now I have two best friends!” Paolo smiled looking at the aquarium. He came and stand beside him.
“I want to see your brother or sister Kuya. Are they brilliant kids like you?”
Mark was startled, he was unable to move. He saw the child’s innocence. “He is too young to understand…but it was unfair for me to lie,” he thought. The goldfish came out of the corals. Paolo tapped the plastic container twice. Mark grabbed some pellets and swam away. After a moment, he came again and swims up and down. He makes bubbles and waggles his tail. He opens and closes his fins.
Mark touched the glass tank. The goldfish came near his hands as if kissing the glass that separates them. Then he swims away down. He stayed for a while near the pebbles at the bottom of the tank.
Mark counted the small and big pebbles. There were only nine- orange, blue, red and whites. The goldfish started touching the pebbles one by one, using his lips again.
Mark watches the goldfish closely. He is swimming again back and forth, up and down. Then he starts kissing the pebbles again, one by one. Mark took out his mobile phone from his pocket. He composed a five letter word but hesitated to send it.
“Inay, you buy bagoong this afternoon when you come back,” Mark waved at his mother carrying bayong full of vegetables. “I’ll wake up early tomorrow so I can gather camote tops. Then let’s all go to Imugan Falls after the breakfast. I’ll just help you wash the clothes when we arrived.”
“That was five years ago,” Mark whispered softly. His chest tightened. “I miss those days, I really do,” he browsed his distribution lists then he finally sent it to family. “Sorry,” he muttered. His eyes eventually turned red. Crystals started forming at the corner of his eyes. Then they started rolling down until he can no longer see the goldfish kissing the pebbles at the bottom of the aquarium. #
